108 days....

That is where I am.  108 days left to the altar.  I have done a lot but feel as if I have nothing done at same time.  I have this current nightmare.... people are walking in and not sure where to sit.  There is bare bones chair and no decorations, smell of BBQ from the kitchen hangs so heavy in the air it becomes sickening and now no one is looking forward to the food, my family & friends are running around making things happen, but not actually enjoying the reason I invited them, all the while the downstairs is only half done and no one is down there making sure the cake is in place & still sitting in a box, the candles are not lit, and all the while... the wrong song is being played as I walk down and my mom is not sitting at the end of aisle to see me walk cause she is making sure that the bathroom is clean.... this is my nightmare...

Do I think any of this actually will happen?  No, but I fear something like this.  Can I control what happens that day? No. But does that stop my imagination train from leaving the station and going full speed ahead with no sign of stopping?  NOPE.   

So I have realized a few things as I began this wedding journey. Some of them I have kept my mouth shut (with exception to a few friends who got to hear the rant of one of these things if not all of them... thank you to them btw) and not said aloud to the WORLD.  But here it is.  

1. Diamonds.  I love'em.  I love how they sparkle.  I love how they sit in certain settings such as vintage rings.  I love the feeling it gives me when I see one.  When I was little I dreamed of having my own diamond.  I dreamed of having a ring I could stare down at and see all the pieces of the sun shine through each little window of the stone and make all the colors of the rainbow with.  I would stare at my mom's for hours.  Trying it on and dreaming of having the ONE diamond.  I was not my sister who needed to blind half the town with hers.  I just wanted one.  That was mine.  I wouldn't care if anyone else liked it.  It was mine.  And after a few ideas, we found it.  One he liked and I liked.  It had all I wanted.  It was mine.  

Yes I am aware of all these "blood diamonds" controversies, and all these "devalue of diamonds" and wah wah blah blah... guess what.  I have my diamond ring.  I love it.  I don't give a crap if it is worthless when the end comes and I standing there staring at the light as I walk towards it.  All I am going to be thinking is one.... is what I am wearing really what I am gonna be remembered last in? And also... look how the LIGHT shines through on my ring... so pretty.  So sparkly.  So those who don't like diamonds can suck it.  To each their own.  Don't make me feel bad cause I have a diamond.  I don't feel bad.  I feel AWESOME.  The moment he gave it to me.  I felt like that diamond.  Pretty. Sparkly. Shiny.  Full of light.  So don't rain on my parade you sad  sap cause of these silly notions of diamonds.  I love mine.  The end.  Now can we look at my diamond again?  :-)

2.  Someone taught me the BEST thing ever.  She said to me "I learned a new sentence today that I never ever thought was a sentence."  She then said it.  It was so simple.  So easy.  Could it be as easy as that?  She said... "No."  I go "No?".... She said "No. period.  Nothing more.  Just no."  The idea to me is revolutionary!  I mean when asked something and you just say "No." and you mean it should be end of story.  Why is that when you say "no" it is necessary to feel you have to give a explanation? Why can't that just be good enough?  "No."  End of story.  There was so many times during this process I felt I couldn't just say "no".  I felt I had to give reasons why I had to say it.  I had to give excuses to my own reasoning's.  My feelings.  My beliefs.  Why do I have to?  Why do I owe every single person a reason.  I think saying just "no" should say everything.  No means this is not what I want because it is not something I feel is me.  No means I don't want to do it and will not do it.  No.  

I worried so much what everyone else wanted and liked.  Would everyone else think this is horrible?  Am I making a huge mistake cause I chose this instead and it is not what others wanted?  Because I couldn't just say "No" without a explanation it made so many things muddy.   Not every single "no" needs a explanation. That two letter word says a lot if said with conviction, and confidence.  "No." Love it.  Just love it. 

3. Dresses.  So when I was about 8 I had this pretty white dress for my Christmas show where I sang at Midnight Mass.  It had scalloped edge that were edged with multicolored pastel thread.  Had a light pink ribbon belt.  It was lovely.  I loved it.  That year I got my first bike.  I came home from the pageant and there it was waiting under the tree for me.  There is a picture my mom snapped of me as I saw it for the first time.  Look of shock and awe.  It was a pink and white huffy bike with a white banana seat and white basket.  I also felt in my own humble opinion the FASTEST bike in the neighborhood.  It was.  I proved it by racing all the boys in the neighborhood down the two blocks.  Was airborne at one point too... Much to Robbie Rusinko's dismay after he made fun of the pretty pink ribbons... I digress... 

So there I was in my pretty Christmas dress looking at my pretty new pink bike.  I go to get on it and immediately my mother said.. "HOLD ON!  Get that dress off immediately before you get on it.  A lady does not get on bikes with a dress to see all her business..." At that tender age of 8 I realized that my pretty Christmas dress was not what I thought it was.  I had to make a Sophie's choice... Dress or riding the fastest bike in the Western Hemisphere.... what do you do?  Well what would you do?  DUH I seriously blasted those Rubix cubes hair ties out of Roni Peterson's hair when she tried telling me that her silly Schwinn 10 speed bike could beat my Fancy Wind Dancer bike... yes that was the name on the bike.  Don't judge... it was Fancy.  It rode like the Wind.  And I Danced those tires on each of those dumb idiots as I swept past them.   So began my issue with dresses... 

So fast forward to May 24, 2013.  It was the day I had said would be the exception to my life dress issue.  I never felt comfortable in dresses.  I loved them.  But the moment I put them on the girl in the looking glass gave me a reality check and suddenly that look upon my face showed up.  Some of you know it.  The one as if you asked me to walk naked to work, WHILE skipping and be okay with it.  Yup not happening.  So here it was the day little girls dream of... and I dreaded.  After trying on several, the lovely bridal lady brought it to me.  This dress.  I put it on and felt like a bride.  It was weird.  Watching all those Say Yes to the Dress! I thought who really KNOWS?  Well... you do.  BUT I did not cry.  I didn't know what to do.  I felt like the moment I saw my bike.  Shock and awe.  Nothing more.  Just felt.  Fancy.  Like a cool breeze even... like a Wind... and okay not a dancer.  Sorry was trying to pull in that metaphor and it just wasn't working.  BUT MAN you should seen me back in the day on that thing... I was on FIYAH!  :-)  


So that is my list for now... Maybe next blog I will give you some more new things I have learned.  Till then I am off to look at some more wedding things, talk to my mutha and to bed so I can awake to early morning workout with MeeeeeeeGAN PIKE. She is a whole other blog all on her own... So till then... smooches!